Archive for the category “Satire”

Absolution: There’s Now an App for That!

iphoneappIn addition to reading the Bible and listening to Christian music on your mobile device, you will now also be able to confess your sins and receive divine forgiveness, all with the tap of a few buttons.

Relevant Ministries International (RMI) unveiled their latest app, “Absolution,” this past week at the conference of Christian Entrepreneurs in Las Vegas. Spokesman Harry Miles praised the app as “the most revolutionary sacramental advance that the church has made since the 1960’s.” He explained, “Look, we all know how much time people spend glued to their phones. What we at RMI are all about is redeeming that time, so that in addition to scrolling through Facebook and tweeting, believers can also enjoy a spiritual experience while online. Our goal is to transform every phone into a handheld church.”

Instead of wasting precious time driving across town and sitting through an hour long church service, or, worse yet, being forced to confess embarrassing sins privately to a pastor or priest, the Absolution app allows for the instant gratification of grace, wherever you are, when something is bothering a person’s conscience.

Here’s how it works: simply tap the Absolution icon on your screen. When the app loads, users will be asked three simple questions: “Is something bothering you?”; “Would you like to confess it and receive forgiveness?”; and “What would you like to confess?” If you select “yes” to the first two questions, the third question will then allow you to type in the sins that especially bother you. Once you hit “Submit Sins,” the App will send you a message that declares, “God has heard your confession. Your sins are forgiven! Go in peace.” It’s that easy.

Praising its spiritual sensitivity and personalized feel, Pastor Jimmy Taylor of Life Community Church, in this past Sunday’s sermon, urged his congregation to make use of the App as frequently as they needed to. “Say you got a little worked up on your commute and screamed obscenities at other motorists; or drank a little too much at the company party and got too cozy with a coworker; or just feel like you’ve really screwed up as a parent lately; then pull out your phone and confess those sins. God is everywhere, including in your mobile device. Type in those sins, tap that button, and feel the peace this App can bring.”

Online Christian blogger, Cindy Jackson, perhaps said it best in her blog post on Monday when she wrote of the Absolution app, “This app is more private than a priest; closer than your nearest church; much shorter than any liturgy; and ecumenical enough to allow even Jews, Muslims, and people of other religious persuasions to receive divine absolution. It’s like having your own personal God in your pocket.”

 

ChristAloneCoverIf you’re sick and tired of all the spiritually disastrous material that’s flooding the church, such as what I’ve alluded to in this satire, then please check out my new book, Christ Alone: Meditations and Sermons. This is not a collection of feel-good, saccharine devotional material. It’s hard-hitting, Gospel-giving, Christ-focused writing that takes you to the cross of Jesus again and again as the only source of healing for us. Purchase your copy by clicking on CreateSpace or Amazon. And thank you!

 

InfantPriestfrontcoverThe poems and hymns in my book, The Infant Priest, give voice to the triumphs and tragedies of life in a broken world. Here there is praise of the crucified and risen Christ, dark lamentation of a penitent wrestling with despair, meditations upon the life of our Lord, thanksgiving for family, and much more. If you’d like to purchase a copy, you may do so at this website or on Amazon.com.  Thank you!

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