New Secret Documents Reveal the NSA May Have Been Spying for God
The most recent papers leaked by Edward Snowden have left Washington in a state of shock, and the church near paralysis. The classified documents reveal that none other than God himself has access to your email accounts, Facebook messaging, bank account transactions, texts, phone calls, and possibly more. An inside source confirmed that even the Pope’s personal Droid was tapped. The beleaguered NSA has been implicated in this stunning breach of privacy. Though details are still sketchy, it seems churchgoers in particular may have been targeted.
Senator Ron Wyden, who has been an outspoken critic of the NSA’s snooping, was incredulous. ”My God,” he said on the Senate floor, ”is nothing sacred anymore?”
Repercussions have already surfaced in the lives of some victims of this purported joint God-NSA alliance. Erwin Jones, a long time resident of Dallas, was served divorce papers last week by his wife when she found out that he’d been conducting more than business with his secretary during those long Tuesday night meetings. Erwin blames the government agency, of course, but his most heated criticism is reserved for the Almighty. ”Listen,” he said during a phone interview, ”I’ve been a member of the church my whole life, tithe faithfully, and attend Mass every chance I get. I’ve paid my dues. And this is the thanks I get?” When asked whether this breach of trust had rattled his faith in the Lord, he said, ”Hell yes it has! In fact, so much so that I’m seriously considering leaving the church to join the Episcopals. At least their God has the decency to mind his own business.”
Where some see problems, however, other spy opportunities. At Western Hills Family Church, Houston, TX, Pastor Dave reacted to the supposed pact between God and the NSA more optimistically. ”People are really pissed at God about this. I totally get that. My concern is not how much or how little God or the government knows, but the people affected by this. I mean, that’s my calling, my ministry, to help them as they struggle through this. I’m not some ivory tower theologian, all ‘God this and God that’ stuff. My passion is people.” To reach out to those affected by this scandal, Pastor Dave has launched a sermon series entitled, ”Finding Happiness Between Big Brother and Father God.”
General Keith Alexander, head of the NSA, brushed off questions from angry believers who feel their right-to-privacy has been violated. ”We only do what we’re asked to do, people,” he said. ”So if an order comes from above saying spy on this person, or intercept so-and-so’s emails, we do it. No questions asked.”
Though he would not agree to an interview, the Almighty did respond that as the national conversation continued about his possible involvement with the NSA, he would certainly be listening.